On the surface, I always thought I did.

I knew my strength. I embraced what made me me. Heck, I admired every single part of who I am now and that wasn't always the case back then when I was a teenager. I took years of unlearning, of growing, of choosing not to compare, to feel enough. Alhamdulillah I have come to see myself with softer eyes that I AM enough.

But if you were to ask me on a deeper level, it gets a little more complicated.

Because the truth is, yes I love myself but the question here is do I always show that love? Huhu not quite and I have only recently begun to see this duality:

You can love yourself and still neglect parts of you that need most care. 

These feelings can coexist.

Read that twice. Does it makes sense to you? Feel me?

I give love so freely. I pour, and I pour. I am willing to go the extra miles to spoil those I care about. That is how I naturally give to the point that I forgot to pour back into myself, sometimes. I overlooked me :(

It hits me when I found myself spiralling again. Low, overwhelmed, unsure. And I had to ask: Did I do this to myself? Maybe not intentionally but still, yes

Was it to please others? In a way, yes but not to earn praise. Not to be seen as "good". More so to avoid conflict. To keep the peace. So I stretched myself thin, said "yes" when I wanted to say "no". I kept choosing others and kept neglecting me. Staph ✋🏻😭

There is a fine line between being selfless and self-sacrificing. Learning it now and that line deeeserves my attention because I. do. love myself. I just need to show it better. Loudly, clearly, consistently.

I have come to realize that in a work setting, self-love sometimes looks like knowing what really matters and which to prioritize. Not saying yes to everything. Not stretching myself just because I feel guilty or scared to disappoint. The key here is to make choices with ME in the picture too :)) At the same time, knowing that I have given the best that I can in whatever is enough

When I know my limits, when I slow down and work with clarity (not just keep pushing through), I protect my energy, my focus, my peace. That is not being selfish. That is what love looks like, too. Tbh, it does feel uncomfortable but it is essential for my well-being.

There is so much I could say about this but I want to bring up one realization that really hit me THIS YEAR

How time and self-care are deeply connected

I have noticed it in the smallest, simplest routines like putting on lotion, scrubing off dead skin or even showering. There is a HUGE difference between doing it mindfully, with presence and doing it in a rush just because I am exhausted and need to sleep.

When I actually make time for myself and not squeezing it in or speeding through, I get to slow down and not think about things like,

"Oh gosh, baju banyak nak kena lipat 😵"

"What time is it now?" followed by me literally counting on my fingers how many hours of sleep I can still squeeze in tonight. Even the minutes matter. Astaghfirullahalazim. This is when my heart starts palpitating. Just SWITCH OFF YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN and the other "hundred tabs". Be present please Addina sayang 🧘🏻‍♀️ Calm down and breathe 😮‍💨🥹

Haha do you feel me? Have you went through something similar? 

Seriously though talking about time and sleep bring me to another realization. Gosh it is only half-a-year. So many things happened but Alhamdulillah for all the lessons learned that has allowed me to be aware and do something different kikiki

Heard of "It is not about the quantity of your sleep, but it is the quality" 

This is debatable. You are allowed to share your opinion. I will share from my pov. Well, I tried, man. I really did. I was sleeping 4-5 hours consistently, feeling like a champ. Woke up feeling fresh, awake and even slightly superior like WOW am I superhuman? And the best part, I even started preaching about it like I discovered a life hack HAHAHA 

But here's the plot twist 😏 weeks later, my body started screaming at me like "GURL PLIZZZ" and the physical sign hits me: fever, heaty, fatigue, spotting, shoulder tension, rapid heartbeats, what else? 🙄 Time really reveals everything. It will show in your energy, focus and how you show up. 

The scariest part? - My body started shutting down on its own. 

The most epic moment? - While I was having virtual coaching call at night, I was doing my best to be awake and focus but I dozed off for a moment. Istg, that was so embarrassing. I couldn't control and

The most dangerous part? - The night drives back home.

So many times I thank Allah for keeping me safe from near-accident moment T_T Even after reaching the carpark, I had no energy left to go up to my apartment, multiple times I sleep for awhile in the car to "recharge".

My body was begging me to listen. I was the one who kept pushing, I didn't choose myself to intentionally pause and rest. Nobody put a gun to myself. This is on me. I know.

____________

Well this is getting too long but ain't it interesting? It feels damn good to finally feel like myself again. She is backkk. She is cooking and she is writing again. That is so amazing, Addina. It takes few weeks and consistent awareness on the choices I made in my daily life and hey, it is almost three am now I should be heading to sleep but good news! School is off tomorrow hihi 

Before saying goodnight, remember this

You can truly feel nourished by your self-care when you are present with it

Do it. Feel the difference. And buy me ice cream. Thank you. 

Goodnight ✨