Short-lived, Long-loved
Growing up, my mom always had her fresh flowers at home — rose, chrysanthemums, gerbera, lily, hydrangeas. It really depended on her mood... I didn't think much of it, it was just something she did like cooking or gardening.
But then, I moved out, had my own space and naturally, I bought flowers for my room— need a living thing in the room. The room felt so dead without it. And now? I get it. I enjoy the ritual, trying different arrangements, testing which ones lasts longer (pro tip: statice are champions)
Not everything beautiful meant to last
Everything in this world is ultimately on loan from Allah. Nothing is really mine — not my parents, my friends, my pet (i don't have a pet, just saying), my car, my career, my partner (yeah this too, notchet) and even the flowers I put in a vase. But that's what makes it even more special. I gotta remind myself that these are fleeting beauty. I must take care of it, serve with love, give the best I can within my capacity while it is still here. To love fully, to show up, to be present, to appreciate things while they last — people too.
I don't want to live holding back. And if anything, my biggest wish is just to be able to say "I have done my best" before I die (to everything, everyone). That's it.
Today, I took a day off. I wasn't feeling well. Felt better during lunch (ayah was around here and he picked me up— happy me 🥹) And I went to get some flowers. Now I am home again, and the dizziness is back. But I am listening to a really beautiful playlist, and somehow it matches the exact same mood of the room.
The soft flowers, the silhouette, the soft music, the soft ache in my chest.
Oh dear, all at once, all in sync. Perfectly timed.
Grateful to be home.
Grateful for the flowers.
Grateful for the soothing music and golden light.
Alhamdulillah — what more could I ask for? 🥹💞
Hey, a reminder. Yes, not everything beautiful meant to last and I hope you know, not everything painful is here to stay either. Heavy moments pass too. Let's be kind to ourselves through it all. You'll be okay.
Do I love myself enough?
On the surface, I always thought I did.
I knew my strength. I embraced what made me me. Heck, I admired every single part of who I am now and that wasn't always the case back then when I was a teenager. I took years of unlearning, of growing, of choosing not to compare, to feel enough. Alhamdulillah I have come to see myself with softer eyes that I AM enough.
But if you were to ask me on a deeper level, it gets a little more complicated.
Because the truth is, yes I love myself but the question here is do I always show that love? Huhu not quite and I have only recently begun to see this duality:
You can love yourself and still neglect parts of you that need most care.
These feelings can coexist.
Read that twice. Does it makes sense to you? Feel me?
I give love so freely. I pour, and I pour. I am willing to go the extra miles to spoil those I care about. That is how I naturally give to the point that I forgot to pour back into myself, sometimes. I overlooked me :(
It hits me when I found myself spiralling again. Low, overwhelmed, unsure. And I had to ask: Did I do this to myself? Maybe not intentionally but still, yes
Was it to please others? In a way, yes but not to earn praise. Not to be seen as "good". More so to avoid conflict. To keep the peace. So I stretched myself thin, said "yes" when I wanted to say "no". I kept choosing others and kept neglecting me. Staph ✋🏻😭
There is a fine line between being selfless and self-sacrificing. Learning it now and that line deeeserves my attention because I. do. love myself. I just need to show it better. Loudly, clearly, consistently.
I have come to realize that in a work setting, self-love sometimes looks like knowing what really matters and which to prioritize. Not saying yes to everything. Not stretching myself just because I feel guilty or scared to disappoint. The key here is to make choices with ME in the picture too :)) At the same time, knowing that I have given the best that I can in whatever is enough
When I know my limits, when I slow down and work with clarity (not just keep pushing through), I protect my energy, my focus, my peace. That is not being selfish. That is what love looks like, too. Tbh, it does feel uncomfortable but it is essential for my well-being.
There is so much I could say about this but I want to bring up one realization that really hit me THIS YEAR
How time and self-care are deeply connected
I have noticed it in the smallest, simplest routines like putting on lotion, scrubing off dead skin or even showering. There is a HUGE difference between doing it mindfully, with presence and doing it in a rush just because I am exhausted and need to sleep.
When I actually make time for myself and not squeezing it in or speeding through, I get to slow down and not think about things like,
"Oh gosh, baju banyak nak kena lipat 😵"
"What time is it now?" followed by me literally counting on my fingers how many hours of sleep I can still squeeze in tonight. Even the minutes matter. Astaghfirullahalazim. This is when my heart starts palpitating. Just SWITCH OFF YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN and the other "hundred tabs". Be present please Addina sayang 🧘🏻♀️ Calm down and breathe 😮💨🥹
Haha do you feel me? Have you went through something similar?
Seriously though talking about time and sleep bring me to another realization. Gosh it is only half-a-year. So many things happened but Alhamdulillah for all the lessons learned that has allowed me to be aware and do something different kikiki
Heard of "It is not about the quantity of your sleep, but it is the quality"
This is debatable. You are allowed to share your opinion. I will share from my pov. Well, I tried, man. I really did. I was sleeping 4-5 hours consistently, feeling like a champ. Woke up feeling fresh, awake and even slightly superior like WOW am I superhuman? And the best part, I even started preaching about it like I discovered a life hack HAHAHA
But here's the plot twist 😏 weeks later, my body started screaming at me like "GURL PLIZZZ" and the physical sign hits me: fever, heaty, fatigue, spotting, shoulder tension, rapid heartbeats, what else? 🙄 Time really reveals everything. It will show in your energy, focus and how you show up.
The scariest part? - My body started shutting down on its own.
The most epic moment? - While I was having virtual coaching call at night, I was doing my best to be awake and focus but I dozed off for a moment. Istg, that was so embarrassing. I couldn't control and
The most dangerous part? - The night drives back home.
So many times I thank Allah for keeping me safe from near-accident moment T_T Even after reaching the carpark, I had no energy left to go up to my apartment, multiple times I sleep for awhile in the car to "recharge".
My body was begging me to listen. I was the one who kept pushing, I didn't choose myself to intentionally pause and rest. Nobody put a gun to myself. This is on me. I know.
____________
Well this is getting too long but ain't it interesting? It feels damn good to finally feel like myself again. She is backkk. She is cooking and she is writing again. That is so amazing, Addina. It takes few weeks and consistent awareness on the choices I made in my daily life and hey, it is almost three am now I should be heading to sleep but good news! School is off tomorrow hihi
Before saying goodnight, remember this
You can truly feel nourished by your self-care when you are present with it
Do it. Feel the difference. And buy me ice cream. Thank you.
Goodnight ✨
My borrowed blessings
A brief chapter of something I prayed specifically for.
Not forever, but enough to remind me how Allah hears and crafts miracles.
And I found solace in knowing if He made something so
beautiful happen once, He can do it again.
So I trust, I surrender and I hold onto the faith.
I would be lying if I said I do not miss the 'experience'. It was so beautiful, so surreal and so magical in every single way. But I have learned to make peace with it. To hold the memory gently, not with longing (well, maybe some days — I’m human, okay?) and trust that what's meant for me will always find its way back. In the best form. In the best time. Because truly, Allah writes better than I ever could 🥹
CoHo Book Review
Hello, people. Assalamualaikum.
How are you doing? Good? Great! Me? Not so good. Im quarantining myself at home because I am a statistic now, down with Covid-19. The bright side is I have plenty of time to rest at home. It feels really nice. I missed being home all day.
In my early 20s, I preferred reading non-fiction self-help books. I just wanted to read something that could give me some motivation and positivity to go through life, to recover from the ordeal I went through :) To be really honest, I, specifically, dislike romance fiction novel because reading transports you to another world. I didn't like being immersed in it when in reality my past and "current" relationship at that time were messy 🤭 Basically, aku sendu lah haahaha and I didn't want to get any broken than I already was kahkahkah. This applied the same to romance film or series. I've always preferred legal drama ke medical ke crime ke. Ada sikit-sikit romance bolehlah not entirely, please.
However, the tables have turned. Orang tua kata jangan benci nanti sayang. I started reading romance novel and I. Am. In. Love. Istg, adulthood changed me. My adulthood journey has been rough for me. So rough and it has taken a heavy toll on me, my emotional well-being and social as well. Finding balance between work and social life is hard. Putting up with the shitty stuff at work is hard. I was really in a dark hole for weeks. I isolated myself and I cried almost everyday. Not the silent cry but the loud cry. By the river, while driving, in the shower, on the floor. Everywhere. Anywhere possible. Sad. Really sad.
And that changed my book preference 😊 My broken spirit couldn't bear to hear or read any positive affirmations. Had enough. Knew enough. Right now, I need an escape from my reality. I want to read a love story that makes me swoon. Flyyy. To the moon. Kehkehkeh. Tak sendu anymore because yo girl is taken for granted seriously this time #foundmyMan (pun intended). Saja bagi cringe doa je yang baik-baik okie.
Sooo, moving on to the main point of this entry. Book Review!!
Disclaimer: This is my personal opinion. My naked truth (iykwim).
IT ENDS WITH US
Let's begin with the title itself. I thought it's just going to be about a girl ending a toxic relationship with a guy. However, towards the end of the book, I realized it holds a deeper meaning which is so beautiful. I dont know how to describe exactly but it made me goes 'awww'. Beautiful. Really. It was certainly unexpected. I thought I knew enough how this is going to end because partly, I could relate to this book. But that beautiful revelation got me teared up 😢
The character... hmm.. Im just gonna talk about Ryle haha and nothing detail. I just wanna say that when I found out he's a neurosurgeon, Derek Shepherd quickly came to mind hehe. I miss him. Okay dah tu je.
The ending was what I hoped for because Lily deserves a man who treats her well and right at ALL time. I came across a review saying that they're heartbroken because they were rooting for Lily and Ryle. Honey, they're better off apart. A man can be angry but the way Ryle expresses his is a No-No. Major Red Flag 🚩 since the beginning. Gosh, I truly feel for Lily 😭 Love can be so blinding and we found ourselves bending some rules and goes against our principles. Been there. Done that. Huhu not proud of it but I guess we all made mistakes. Language-wise, this book is easily understood. Overall, I would rate this
9/10
Why not 10/10 ⁉️ I feel like the ending was kinda rushed. Macam eh lahh dah habis dah ke? I want to know more! After all those roller coaster emotions, write more lah... Okay bye. I oso dunwan to write more.
P/s: this post has been in draft since March.
RING FIT ADVENTURE
Assalamualaikum and hello, everyone.
How are you? I hope you guys are doing fine. I was pumped up with full boost of motivation last week and now it has gone. It has been like that since PKP started. Kejap ada kejap takde. Blergh. Not only that, I am becoming more paranoid than ever. I started to question every action of mine especially when I got back from somewhere. Legit scared. Today, we reached another highest daily cases.... 13k plus cases... We have a longggg way to go to reach 0 again. Longggg way man.
Okay. Enough with this dreary tone. Actually, I want to talk about what I did previous week. I started working out 🙊🙈🙉 Hehehe if you know me personally, you'd be "ye ye je" haha I was consistent for 6 days 🤩 That is a big achievement for me because usually I never made it to day 2 hahaha. Give me a big round of applause, plishh 😝. So, what kind of exercises do I do? Have you guys heard of Ring Fit Adventure?
Basically, it is a fitness video game. For someone who gets bored easily and find all sorts of excuses to not do any type of exercises, this is definitely for me! It's sooo fun and cool. But maybe for guys who love doing intense workout with yalls equipment might find this meh and you'd be saying I overclaimed HAHAH. I personally feel this game is perfect for dummy who doesn't know how to do proper exercise 🤭 Rasa macam ada personal trainer. Instructions and guidelines are all so clear.
This is the main menu. As you can see it has few modes e.g. Adventure, Quick Play, Custom and Multitask Mode. Initially, I started with the Quick Play mode because I want to get the hang of it. Mula-mula main memang satu badan sakit lah for few days. Badan saya terkejut haha and also no proper warming up and cooling down session LOL boo 👎🏻
Adventure mode is the one I have been consistently doing. It is a fantasy game adventure which has over 100 levels. At the beginning of your adventure, you will be asked to answer few questions like how regular you exercise, your height, weight and whatnot. Be honest like I did haha I clicked "Don't exercise at all" 😂. Then, the game will help to callibrate the level of difficulty for you. Of course, I got the lowest of them all 😂 Believe it or not, every single day I look forward to doing it like I can't wait for tomorrow's session.
Adventure mode ni best sebab dia guide you from the start. Dia akan start with warm up session. Lepastu, hari-hari dia akan tanya nak increase the difficulty ke tak or just nak go with the usual pace. Plus, normally after two or three levels, dia akan tanya nak continue or nak stop and cooldown terus. Even if you just completed one level, you can choose to cooldown right after or quit and skip cooldown session too. My fav part is after finishing a level, dia akan suruh kita strike a victory pose. Haha menarik sebab rasa "berjaya" kehkehkeh and the game hype me up 🥳
Another cool feature is Nintendo JoyCon can be used to measure heart rate. I baru tahu masa main game ni lol it may or may not be 100% accurate but okaylah give you an idea of your estimated heart rate hahaha. After each session, the game will summarize everything yang you buat. Walaupun in the summary, it shows my total time exercising is 12 minutes but overall duration maybe 30-45 minutes rasanya.
Moving on to the Quick Play mode. Yang ni macam let you focus nak buat a particular workout. Bebas. Also, ada games jugak yang target certain muscles. Sooo, choose lah whichever you feel like doing. Hm sorry lah I think the picture is quite blur but if you nak tengok it clearly you can just click the picture okie. Lepastu kalau you nak jog, you boleh pilih nak berapa lama jog. Different tempat, different distance and also duration. Sounds flexible and fun kan? Hehehe
I am yet to continue day-7 because I was sleep deprived huhu and went cranky all day long. Then, the next day I did not manage to squeeze in my time because I have to organize my kitchen cabinet. Istg, this is a never-ending house chore 😵 Exhausting but satisfying though. As a matter of fact, I am taking a rest now because I just got my first jab two days back. Yay! Promise you I will continue my 'adventure' in a few days.
Here is a picture of me and my cute sports mat!
I think that is all from me for today. This was supposed to be published yesterday tapi tak sempat. If you notice kan, I no longer give a crap italicizing the Malay words as I write lol I pun tak tahu lah format apa aku ikut italic italic ni haha but this post macam very casual liddat so whatever lah kan hihi
With love,
Addina
HITTING ROCK BOTTOM
Malaysia is sinking and people are drowning. Today, we reached highest cases ever recorded (9353) and Melaka, out of nowhere, had an unexpected surge (853). Ya Allah, please put an end to this as soon as possible. Prior to the outbreak, I was happy. So happy that I think I finally got everything together despite some hiccups in life which is normal. Like, I got this, man. My mental health has never been better. The wounds from past trauma were recovering and I knew I was healing.
It was progressing well until the first MCO was implemented. That was when everything starting to go down the hill. Back in a dark hole I was in during my teenage years (lol macam dah lama sangat je). What I hate the most is having to live through my trauma again. Getting flashbacks and nightmares are so distressing. Online classes and the piled-up assignments only add more salt into the wound. I get anxious so often, Istg, it is dreadful. Not only that, the strong urge to disappear and move far away from everyone I know here kicked in again. The last time I really felt like this was during high school years. So, I know that I was not in a good mental state. I was so fragile and extremely sensitive. One wrong move even the slightest one could spiral me down like an avalanche.
When I hit rock bottom earlier this year, I know I have to do something about it. I don't want to dwell in matter that is fixable. I cried enough and isolate myself enough. It is time to do something about it because I know it can be fixed with clear communication. So, I called Alis and right away burst into tears and sobbing. I think that was her first time to hear me cry hahah. I am always this ball of positivity around people and never really be vulnerable to that extent 😬 So, yeah I let everything out. Felt relieved and to cut the story short, things definitely got better. Somehow. It was weird because the other two friends who are entangled in this issue has zero clue about this. Alhamdulillah though hehe but recently I did open up to them and now I think the issue was petty. I am no longer affected if such issue ever occur again unless it is prolonged. You must be wondering what's the issue, right? Hahah that is a secret I'll never tell 🤫 *cue Gossip Girl opening song*
From what I noticed, I rebound quicker than I was before because I don't dwell on my problems. I do let myself feel sad and fall apart for some time. Few days are okay for me but not more than a week. It will do more harm.
However, right now, our country is in a dire situation 😓 We are crumbling and I absolutely have no idea what can I do to make the situation better. I have played my part by staying at home. I feel hopeless and I am no longer this ball I said I was huhu 😢 Till then.
Byebye.
JOURNALING JOURNEY
Assalamualaikum and hello, everyone.
It's me! I'm back!! Back to this blogging world. As you can see, my last post (my only post) was in 2019. Almost 2 years of idling and suddenly I have a resurgence of interest to write again. Thanks to Miss Rona.
I feel like I owe my non-existent readers an explanation regarding my retuning. Why do I choose to write again? Well, to fill my superfluous free time and I just miss writing. I miss the cathartic effect it gives me. God. I miss you so much, dear blog. Sorry for being inconsistent and abandoning you 😢.
I tried to find a new hobby which I DID! Journaling! Hehe influenced by TikTok videos. I spent almost RM200 to buy all sorts of stickers, brush pens, stamps and whatnot. Dedicated a time after Fajr prayer to do it every day. OMG. What a lie. Hahaha it happened for ONLY. ONE DAY. One day guys 🤦🏻♀️ And then I got lazy and forgot about it. Mind you, this was in January. Was still studying and had upcoming finals and teaching practice 😬🤭 Manalah sempat kan hehe
Tbh, journaling is fun. Also, tedious. Tedious when I want to record the whole process. Thinking of what kind of content, aesthetic or concept I want to do for that particular page. I don't know how those TikTokers do for every videos. I don't think I can be committed in doing that. Takes up a lottt of time and I had little time before 😛 Or maybe I am not that creative. Haha. And sometimes when I have a lot of references for inspirations, it overwhelms me. I dont't know how to start. Which sticker do I put, which paper do I paste, which tape goes with this whole concept. After choosing, I need to think of where to paste it pulak and how?! like horizontally? vertically? diagonally? Gahh so many things need to consider to finish one page. I just can't do this. Weak. I know. 😭
Imma show you my masterpiece. Tadaaa
My journal is from Typo. Got it for RM10 only 😌👍🏻 And there you go, my masterpiece. What do you think? Bhaha the first page took me almost 2 hours or more. I don't know. I can't remember. Meanwhile, the second one was done recently during Eid. It didn't take long. I used Petit Moi thank-you card and their wrapping paper to create my Eid theme. Also, sticker from dUCk and random ribbon I took from my dad's gift bag to complete the look because I felt like something needed to be put on the top corner. I think it complements everything. So, yay.
From what I noticed, my journaling journey has made me become a hoarder. I hoard tissue paper (the one in gift bag), tags, ribbons, cards and anything that I think can be use for my journal lol. The problem here is all the materials just keep accumulating, but I don't continue to journal. Sigh. And before you think I stopped journaling at the second page, lemme stop you there. I did continue. I am not that lazy 🤪🤪 Come on haha I have another 4 pages filled but it is personal and one of it is a failed artwork haha I would rather not show it to the world. I will continue to journal but not making it as my hobby. I will take my own sweet time to make it to the last page 😜
So, that's that. Whatever hobby I try to pick up, writing always come back to me. Writing here makes me feel like home. Back to a familiar place. It's truly HOME to me. Nak nangis 😢 Emo 🥺 I really sayang my blog and I love what I'm doing now. It doesn't matter if no one is going to read this. I like talking to myself lol what matters is my own satisfaction of expressing myself and putting my feelings into words. That has always been my purpose. I think that is all for me for this post. Till next post okie! Byebye
With so much love,
Addina
P.S. I have a 2019 draft about my second day orientation but honestly, I could not remember much details on that day to continue haha I am planning to write more about my Erasmus experience, so maybe I will just compile or whatever. We'll see hehehe
First day of Orientation
Posted on September 5, 2019 @ 8:22 AM <
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Assalamualaikum and hello, everyone.
For your information, the orientation week at ELTE started on Sept 2 until Sept 6. As for my faculty, it started on Sept 3 from 8.30 a.m until 9.20 a.m. Yes, on that day, it was only that. It's very different from what I have experienced at my home university, UPSI. The orientation will start from morning until night. Everyday. Until the week is over. Haha that's a whole lot of different. Of course, it is more relaxing and chill here in ELTE. I get to go back and sleep 😜 (No, I did not). However, I just feel like there was no sufficient time for me to really get to know some of them on the first day.
Without further ado, let's get into the details on what happened during Sept 2 😉
On that day, I wake up at 6 a.m. After getting ready, I went to the nearest bus stop near the apartment I booked for my mother and aunt to stay. It is kind of a big deal for me to ride on a public transport alone because I have never done that. Not even in Malaysia. Except for university bus. Hehe public and university transportation is two different things, right? While waiting for the bus, I started to get nervous but keeping it cool on my face. It was a rainy and cold morning. Different from what I have been experiencing for the past few days in Budapest. The weather here is really unpredictable.
(Taken from my instastory)
The journey to my faculty took around 20+ minutes. For your information, my faculty is situated somewhere in the Buda side while my apartment is in the Pest side. So, I have to be ready way earlier than what I was used to in UPSI 😅 Well, being a first timer, something must go wrong at first 😂 I missed out the stop I was supposed to hop off. I am pretty sure I was aware of all the stops. Something wrong happened on the display screen. The name of the stop suddenly changed and I was confused whether or not to hop off and I did not. Hehe. I hopped off at another two stops. Then, I went to the opposite bus stops to wait on another bus. Tick tock tick tock. Few minutes went by and no bus to be seen coming. I decided to walk as it was only 800+ metres away. I made there in time. Alhamdulillah. That is why it is very important to go early #notetoself huhu.
When I arrived, half of the seats were already taken. I sat next to the Spanish group. From what I observed, most of them came here in group. Meaning that they are from the same university. So, basically, they talk among them 🤷🏻♀️ I did not want to interrupt. Then, there's me, a pint-sized Asian girl. I would not say Malaysian because I. Am. The. Only. Asian. Felt a bit pressured being the only Asian and Muslims in hijab 😆 but that can be managed as soon as the seat next to me was taken by a Swiss guy, Jonas. I started introducing my name and we started talking. He came with his friend too named 'Emma'. I felt relieved because I don't have to pretend like I am busy doing something. Haha.
The orientation started with a presentation from Ms. Ildikó Romanoczki, Erasmus coordinator. Basically, she presented briefly about the history of the faculty, orientation programmes and the Neptun system. One new thing I learnt that day was in Hungary, early childhood age starts from zero to three years old. Then, pre-school age would be from three to six years old and primary age is from six to ten years old, whereas, Malaysia, early childhood age starts from zero to six years old. Preschool is included in the early childhood. So, most of them that came are studying for primary education. Only a small percentage of us who are specialized in kindergarten.
Besides, I also learnt something unusual from my home university policy. Here, in ELTE, we have to sign a paper of consent for our picture to be posted on their website or Facebook account. For those who ticked 'no', you dont have to participate in the taking picture session. They did that to protect our rights. That's really great, actually. Meanwhile, in UPSI, everyone will just try to get in the frame making sure that their faces could be seen 🤣 No paper of consent whatsoever. We consent all the pictures we try to get in even if it is the ugly ones. Well, the choice is yours to make. You bear the consequences.
After the meeting is over, half of the group (the left one) went to watch a presentations and another half (the right one which i was in) went on a quick tour around the faculty. I didn't take photos because I saw none of them taking. Scared if it was inappropriate? or maybe they just did not care? In other words, it would be me being 'jakun'. HAHA. It is a nice old building and there was a hallway that caught my eye thinking this hallway is an insta-worthy spot 😉😉 (just wait). Also, the paper of consent really makes me aware of everything now because they protect our rights so I guess I should be doing the same? I cannot even tell when can I and cannot?
Next, we went to Questra office which is located in Pest side. Need to travel there by bus. During the journey, I made friends with the rest of the group. Most of them are from Spain. Cool people. I love how their language sound. Taking the 'La Casa de Papel' feels. Hehe love that TV shows so much! 🥰 Right after we finished our business at Questra office, we went on our separate ways. I went back to see my mother and my aunt. Making use of the last day of going shopping and touring around the city with them. I guess that is all from me for day 1.
Thank you.
Assalamualaikum and have a good day ahead, peeps.
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