✨   Ready is not a feeling, it is a DECISION ✨

So here I am again, typing into this empty box that could hold so much weight. The internet corner that no one really visits (I can track the traffic fr, mostly the number comes from me lol). Technically, it is public but nobody really knows unless I put it up on my bio or story which I do not want to do that anymore or at the moment. Let's just make this private but not a secret though. Unless you're doing some detective-level research about me, this prolly won't pop up on your Google search. And let's be real, I am probably the only one who actually Google myself like that haha 

After that whole fiasco with work, this year would be about me – reclaiming, redemption and rediscovery. It's been messy but healing too.

You know this blog exists. I'm honestly not sure if I want you to read this or not. Would it even matter anymore? Maybe. Maybe not.

But if, by chance, you are here, please know this is truly not a call to action. I'm not asking you to fix anything. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t… do anything, really. Just know that writing about you here feels like I am talking to you and there’s a strange intimacy in that silence. Can you feel it?

It’s both heartbreaking and kind of beautiful 🥲 I can’t deny that you ignited something in me, giving me a reason to write again. I don’t really have another outlet for all these thoughts and feelings. I don’t mind not having readers. This is for me, for my sanity, for my fulfillment, for the sake of simply expressing myself. 

🍃🌷🪐

For the record, I wouldn't text you, Gus. I respect your space. You've made that clear. Wish I could, but I won't. I nearly did though that's why I SOS-ed my friend so she could slap the chaos out of me 😂

I don't know if you noticed me– I saw you coming into your car, walked past it. I dont know what kind of cosmic twist aligned us to be in the same place, giving me the chance to see you 🥹 Honestly, I was happy to see you. A week ago, I dreamt of us and this one I'll keep for myself.

Well, I dont know. There's nothing much I can do, so I leave it to Allah ✨

Last year in a training session, I heard something that stuck with me about two kinds of people in the world – energy sucker and one who brings light and good energy into the space.

I still remember so clearly in one of the sessions, a man turned to me and gave me platonic compliment:

"You are actually one of the people that light up the room every time we meet." 

I wanted to say it is simple words but no, it is not. It carries weight, my heart swelled. Such a kind thing to say. You can choose to say anything like "you are kind", "you are cheerful," etc but that.. those words linger.  

On a personal note, I've always felt like a ball of sunshine. I believed it too... until I didn't. I asked myself, is this me growing out of that phase or have circumstances pushed me into this state? And then I realized, it was actually my own choices. I can be overly optimistic on most things (99%) and I didn't prioritize myself. I would feel bad/guilty for letting others down, so I kept extending myself for anything until it quietly took a toll on me.

The thing is, those small choices when you keep putting yourself last will slowly deposit a kind of invisible damage inside you. You won't notice it at first but trust me one day you Just. Cant. Hold it. ANYMORE. IT EXPLODES, your light diminished and gone. And you sit there in the car (its me) crying and asking, WTH happened? All I did was care for people....

......... OMG, guys macam dah lari topik haha okay, okay anyway my point is – 

                      Toooday, I received a compliment:

And yesterday, my brother JUST. REALIZED. I am actually productive on weekend. I was like, what does he mean?? Im always occupied (with work) and that itself is considered productive day, apa, but actually I know what he meant. On his term, it means that he can feel my presence at home. I am physically home. and I am doing chores. Regularly haha I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not because honestly, sometimes...  I am annoyed jugaklah with Damia and Adam (and yes, apart from my own messiness) but tbrh, I enjoy it – doing house chores, keeping things in order and maintaining the space. In fact, I am proud that our apartment feels cozy and homie and not like the typical rumah bujang scene (and smells 😮‍💨)  

And the best part? when everyone comes together to tolong lipat baju weee (this was yesterday, btw) 

Well, another friend mentioned that my face looks brighter too hihi I love it when people notice, shanks. My light is radiating again. I genuinely feel it and I am glad that others can feel it too. It's affirming 🥹  Truth be told, I am happier and proud I made a stand for myself especially in professional settings. 

All in all, I owe a lot to Augustus (code name) whom I crossed path with and always emphasizing on self-love. If it wasn't for you, I would probably stuck in the same hell loop. So, thank youu ;)

So... dear readers, protect your energy, your peace and your light and ask yourself: 

Growing up, my mom always had her fresh flowers at home — rose, chrysanthemums, gerbera, lily, hydrangeas. It really depended on her mood... I didn't think much of it, it was just something she did like cooking or gardening.

But then, I moved out, had my own space and naturally, I bought flowers for my room— need a living thing in the room. The room felt so dead without it. And now? I get it. I enjoy the ritual, trying different arrangements, testing which ones lasts longer (pro tip: statice are champions) 

Not everything beautiful meant to last

Everything in this world is ultimately on loan from Allah. Nothing is really mine — not my parents, my friends, my pet (i don't have a pet, just saying), my car, my career, my partner (yeah this too, notchet) and even the flowers I put in a vase. But that's what makes it even more special. I gotta remind myself that these are fleeting beauty. I must take care of it, serve with love, give the best I can within my capacity while it is still here. To love fully, to show up, to be present, to appreciate things while they last — people too.

I don't want to live holding back. And if anything, my biggest wish is just to be able to say "I have done my best" before I die (to everything, everyone). That's it.

Today, I took a day off. I wasn't feeling well. Felt better during lunch (ayah was around here and he picked me up— happy me 🥹) And I went to get some flowers. Now I am home again, and the dizziness is back. But I am listening to a really beautiful playlist, and somehow it matches the exact same mood of the room.

Alhamdulillah — what more could I ask for? 🥹💞

Hey, a reminder: Yes, not everything beautiful meant to last and I hope you know, not everything painful is here to stay either. Heavy moments pass too. Let's be kind to ourselves through it all. You'll be okay. 

On the surface, I always thought I did.

I knew my strength. I embraced what made me me. Heck, I admired every single part of who I am now and that wasn't always the case back then when I was a teenager. I took years of unlearning, of growing, of choosing not to compare, to feel enough. Alhamdulillah I have come to see myself with softer eyes that I AM enough.

But if you were to ask me on a deeper level, it gets a little more complicated.

Because the truth is, yes I love myself but the question here is do I always show that love? Huhu not quite and I have only recently begun to see this duality:

You can love yourself and still neglect parts of you that need most care. 

These feelings can coexist.

Read that twice. Does it makes sense to you? Feel me?

I give love so freely. I pour, and I pour. I am willing to go the extra miles to spoil those I care about. That is how I naturally give to the point that I forgot to pour back into myself, sometimes. I overlooked me :(

It hits me when I found myself spiralling again. Low, overwhelmed, unsure. And I had to ask: Did I do this to myself? Maybe not intentionally but still, yes

Was it to please others? In a way, yes but not to earn praise. Not to be seen as "good". More so to avoid conflict. To keep the peace. So I stretched myself thin, said "yes" when I wanted to say "no". I kept choosing others and kept neglecting me. Staph ✋🏻😭

There is a fine line between being selfless and self-sacrificing. Learning it now and that line deeeserves my attention because I. do. love myself. I just need to show it better. Loudly, clearly, consistently.

I have come to realize that in a work setting, self-love sometimes looks like knowing what really matters and which to prioritize. Not saying yes to everything. Not stretching myself just because I feel guilty or scared to disappoint. The key here is to make choices with ME in the picture too :)) At the same time, knowing that I have given the best that I can in whatever is enough

When I know my limits, when I slow down and work with clarity (not just keep pushing through), I protect my energy, my focus, my peace. That is not being selfish. That is what love looks like, too. Tbh, it does feel uncomfortable but it is essential for my well-being.

There is so much I could say about this but I want to bring up one realization that really hit me THIS YEAR

How time and self-care are deeply connected

I have noticed it in the smallest, simplest routines like putting on lotion, scrubing off dead skin or even showering. There is a HUGE difference between doing it mindfully, with presence and doing it in a rush just because I am exhausted and need to sleep.

When I actually make time for myself and not squeezing it in or speeding through, I get to slow down and not think about things like,

"Oh gosh, baju banyak nak kena lipat 😵"

"What time is it now?" followed by me literally counting on my fingers how many hours of sleep I can still squeeze in tonight. Even the minutes matter. Astaghfirullahalazim. This is when my heart starts palpitating. Just SWITCH OFF YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN and the other "hundred tabs". Be present please Addina sayang 🧘🏻‍♀️ Calm down and breathe 😮‍💨🥹

Haha do you feel me? Have you been through something similar? 

Seriously though talking about time and sleep bring me to another realization. Gosh it is only half-a-year. So many things happened but Alhamdulillah for all the lessons learned that has allowed me to be aware and do something different kikiki

Heard of "It is not about the quantity of your sleep, but it is the quality" 

This is debatable. You are allowed to share your opinion. I will share from my pov. Well, I tried, man. I really did. I was sleeping 4-5 hours consistently, feeling like a champ. Woke up feeling fresh, awake and even slightly superior like WOW am I superhuman? And the best part, I even started preaching about it like I discovered a life hack HAHAHA 

But here's the plot twist 😏 weeks later, my body started screaming at me like "GURL PLIZZZ" and the physical sign hits me: fever, heaty, fatigue, spotting, shoulder tension, rapid heartbeats, what else? 🙄 Time really reveals everything. It will show in your energy, focus and how you show up. 

The scariest part? - My body started shutting down on its own. 

The most epic moment? - While I was having virtual coaching call at night, I was doing my best to be awake and focus but I dozed off for a moment. Istg, that was so embarrassing. I couldn't control and

The most dangerous part? - The night drives back home.

So many times I thank Allah for keeping me safe from near-accident moment T_T Even after reaching the carpark, I had no energy left to go up to my apartment, multiple times I sleep for awhile in the car to "recharge".

My body was begging me to listen. I was the one who kept pushing, I didn't choose myself to intentionally pause and rest. Nobody put a gun to myself. This is on me. I know.

____________

Well this is getting too long but ain't it interesting? It feels damn good to finally feel like myself again. She is backkk. She is cooking and she is writing again. That is so amazing, Addina. It takes few weeks and consistent awareness on the choices I made in my daily life and hey, it is almost three am now I should be heading to sleep but good news! School is off tomorrow hihi 

Before saying goodnight, remember this

You can truly feel nourished by your self-care when you are present with it

Do it. Feel the difference. And buy me ice cream. Thank you. 

Goodnight ✨

A brief chapter of something I prayed specifically for. 

Not forever, but enough to remind me how Allah hears and crafts miracles.

And I found solace in knowing if He made something so

beautiful happen once, He can do it again.

So I trust, I surrender and I hold onto the faith. 

I would be lying if I said I do not miss the 'experience'. It was so beautiful, so surreal and so magical in every single way. But I have learned to make peace with it. To hold the memory gently, not with longing (well, maybe some days — I’m human, okay?) and trust that what's meant for me will always find its way back. In the best form. In the best time. Because truly, Allah writes better than I ever could 🥹

Hello, people. Assalamualaikum. 

How are you doing? Good? Great! Me? Not so good. Im quarantining myself at home because I am a statistic now, down with Covid-19. The bright side is I have plenty of time to rest at home. It feels really nice. I missed being home all day. 

In my early 20s, I preferred reading non-fiction self-help books. I just wanted to read something that could give me some motivation and positivity to go through life, to recover from the ordeal I went through :) To be really honest, I, specifically, dislike romance fiction novel because reading transports you to another world. I didn't like being immersed in it when in reality my past and "current" relationship at that time were messy 🤭 Basically, aku sendu lah haahaha and I didn't want to get any broken than I already was kahkahkah. This applied the same to romance film or series. I've always preferred legal drama ke medical ke crime ke. Ada sikit-sikit romance bolehlah not entirely, please. 

However, the tables have turned. Orang tua kata jangan benci nanti sayang. I started reading romance novel and I. Am. In. Love. Istg, adulthood changed me. My adulthood journey has been rough for me. So rough and it has taken a heavy toll on me, my emotional well-being and social as well. Finding balance between work and social life is hard. Putting up with the shitty stuff at work is hard. I was really in a dark hole for weeks. I isolated myself and I cried almost everyday. Not the silent cry but the loud cry. By the river, while driving, in the shower, on the floor. Everywhere. Anywhere possible. Sad. Really sad.

And that changed my book preference 😊 My broken spirit couldn't bear to hear or read any positive affirmations. Had enough. Knew enough. Right now, I need an escape from my reality. I want to read a love story that makes me swoon. Flyyy. To the moon. Kehkehkeh. Tak sendu anymore because yo girl is taken for granted seriously this time #foundmyMan (pun intended). Saja bagi cringe doa je yang baik-baik okie. 

Sooo, moving on to the main point of this entry. Book Review!! 

Disclaimer: This is my personal opinion. My naked truth (iykwim).

IT ENDS WITH US

Let's begin with the title itself. I thought it's just going to be about a girl ending a toxic relationship with a guy. However, towards the end of the book, I realized it holds a deeper meaning which is so beautiful. I dont know how to describe exactly but it made me goes 'awww'. Beautiful. Really. It was certainly unexpected. I thought I knew enough how this is going to end because partly, I could relate to this book.  But that beautiful revelation got me teared up 😢

The character... hmm.. Im just gonna talk about Ryle haha and nothing detail. I just wanna say that when I found out he's a neurosurgeon, Derek Shepherd quickly came to mind hehe. I miss him. Okay dah tu je.

The ending was what I hoped for because Lily deserves a man who treats her well and right at ALL time. I came across a review saying that they're heartbroken because they were rooting for Lily and Ryle. Honey, they're better off apart. A man can be angry but the way Ryle expresses his is a No-No. Major Red Flag 🚩 since the beginning. Gosh, I truly feel for Lily 😭 Love can be so blinding and we found ourselves bending some rules and goes against our principles. Been there. Done that. Huhu not proud of it but I guess we all made mistakes. Language-wise, this book is easily understood. Overall, I would rate this 

                                                                           9/10

Why not 10/10 ⁉️ I feel like the ending was kinda rushed. Macam eh lahh dah habis dah ke? I want to know more! After all those roller coaster emotions, write more lah... Okay bye. I oso dunwan to write more.

P/s: this post has been in draft since March.